This is more like a note to self as opposed to being a deep and meaningful piece of writing…
So today, I did what I most despise in people… I asked an inappropriate question….
As soon as I said it , I knew I shouldn’t have done… I felt my size 8 feet being devoured by my mouth…
The person was polite and measured in their response, but it was a very truthful and honest response that made me realize how out of order I was for asking my friend and work colleague , so openly and so jokingly about something that clearly was none of my business and should not be the subject of an office conversation…
So, before you ask anything out of anyone, please- please think of your question…even the simple ones can cause someone pain or stir up buried emotions…
Not everything in life follows a set pattern.
Not everyone’s life comes out of a universal mold that says: birth- school-university-work-find a mate-marry-have kids- die (however birth and death are the only two certainties of life).
Not everyone has the same script about life…and sometimes life itself forces us to re-write that script…
With all that said, I would like to apologize to my workmate for being so inappropriately rude…!!! So, here it is… “Sorry dear friend”.
…there once lived a lady that spend her life in shock.
Shocked she was , when she found out that she was getting married.
Shocked she was , when she found herself expecting her first child.
Shocked she was , when her firstborn decided to fly the nest and leave oh so far away from her.
Shocked she was when her terminal illness could not be defeated and she was even more shocked when she re-signed to her fate and accepted that life was going to be short.
In shock, fear and big ammounts of hope she lived her life….a life that was lived for the hapiness of others , ignoring hers.
Oh, how I miss that lady that for me she endured all the shocks life had in store for her.
I miss you mum!!
Memories are haunting me and realisations are taunting me… Have found the route of the pain deep in my soul and have set to unearth it…
Thankful of the surrounding darkness of the night, my tears stream down my face…undisturbed, unembarrassed, testimony to that which hides in my soul seen but unsaid…
Go deep within yourself, meet with your darkness, meet the fears at the pit of your stomach, allow your anger to talk to you….all are just ranges of emotion…different colors making up your rainbow…Let them talk to you, let them tell you where they have come from, what feeds them… Listen carefully …allow them the time …don’t try to quieten them, they wont go away by stifling them…
Meet with your darkness, and tenderly , slowly bring it back to light…all it was missing was a loving hand and a listening ear… Ask forgiveness from your injured parts on behalf of all of those that failed them… Help yourself heal…be that which binds all your pieces together…they are all part of you and all are loved.
Well it’s been a while, since I wrote anything… I seem to have lost my voice, it feels like my mind has drawn a blank.
Feels like my sieve is full of muddy river stuff and twigs, all clogged up (metaphorically speaking, of course) … makes it really hard for any gold nuggets to surface and shine through.
However, I remain patient with the process and I know once all that is blocking me is unclogged, I remain positive and hopeful that the words will flow clearer and louder than before.
… And remaining that… The last few days I have been thinking about how we call ourselves human and how far are we from what that actually means…
I have been contemplating why are we mean and hostile to one another? Why do we experience emotions like envy and why do we go out of our way to bad mouth someone or to gossip about someone? Why the venom? Where’s our humanity? Why do we seek to gain power over others, no matter the means? How such behaviours qualify as “being human”?
Have we allowed the argument that we too are an animal, to influence our behaviour to one another? After years of evolution you’d think our intellect, environment, developments( that have provided us with comfort, safety and luxury) and experiences would have the ability to influence and change our instinct of survival of the fittest,would have satiated our thirst for power and domination.
Where is the love? We have evolved physically but emotionally, on a soul level there’s still a lot of work to be done.
What means to be human after all?
… A few days ago I was saying to all of you about how I was struggling to motivate myself and go ahead with my planned Christmas get away.. So, I’m back here to report that despite all my fears of impending doom, of things going wrong … Despite the fact that all my anxieties were on red alert… Somehow I managed to overcome all that and got on with my plans… Not sure what was my winning counter-argument to self.., might had something to do with the money I’d lose from all the bookings made that possibly helped to tip the scales.
But boy, am I glad I was able to silence all those little voices that wanted me to stay at home and wrap up around the old familiar…??
Of course I’m happy, I’ve changed scenes, visited so many new places and chatted to a few interesting people… At this point I’d like to say there’s nothing wrong with the familiar, but when every so often, the different becons, follow it… It is good for your soul…