It is Saturday morning and the sun is shinining. I seem to be in a happy mental state…however, my mind seems to be veering of to moments in the past…happy to reminisce, I let it wonder….completely unaware of where this little wondering would lead me …I mean how bad could it get…I’m remembering my loved ones after all…

Suddenly a sinking feeling gets hold of me…my heart starts filling with dread and I feel devasted at a little thought that had started raising it’s little head-seemingly out of nowhere….

I knew my mum for 36 years, but how well did I know her? I was immediately upset thinking that we had spent a lifetitme together and I relally didnt know her, that I didnt know whether all those things she was doing were in order to take care of people because that was her role or whether they were things she really enjoyed.

My heart started aching and tears filled my eyes, at the thought that I didn’t give her the necessary attention…that I didn’t use the little time we had together to get to know her…

Then , somehow logic prevailed to all that irational thinking. And was able to put a break on those frenzied thoughts and that feeling of despair.

I convinced myself to make a mental list of the things that I knew  mum enjoyed doing, this was done in an effort to pacify my aching heart and calm me down.

She certainly enjoyed cooking and baking , she had filled drwawers and drawers with recipe books, and every time there was a cooking program on TV she’d be sitting there watching, making notes , writting down ingredients. Those recipes , she’d practice then on us…which we loved as she was a brilliant cook and baker.

She loved knitting, crochetting and dress making. She had copius ammounts of magazines with designs and she had created some lovely stuff, from jumpers to dresses , to curtains and bed spreads.

Slowly , I started calming down…my mum indeed had hobbies and interests …which were known to me…I am not sure what caused me to panic , what made me think that we shared a lifetime together and I had failed to get to know her.

I knew she didn’t like reading books, and hadn’t had a favorite movie or song…these kind of arts didnt seem to have the same appeal to her as did those that involved her using her two hands…

She didnt like singing or dancing as she was a shy lady and did not like being the centre of attention.

The more I focused on the things that I knew mum liked doing , the more that ache in my heart subsided and went away…

So, I decided to shift my view point and not concentrate on all those things that I did not know about my mum, as I am sure there were some-don’t we all have little secrets and thoughts that we never share but only to ourselve?

Instead I chose to concentrate on the things that I can remember and that I had seen her performing and taking part in with great gusto and pleasure.

My heart was calmer and the tears dried in my eyes.  I still miss her but at least I know that I knew what geve her enjoyment and pleasure in life apart from her little ones.

I miss you mum..every day…more and more…

#odetomymother

#mind

#grief

#anxiety

#remembering

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